In Which I Screw Up

[moon_custafer]

So, yesterday I went to get some of green_trilobite's meds refilled. (cut for griping about my life)

For those in the U.S., Canada covers major medical, but not prescription medication or dentistry. We're on a provincial program that covers our prescriptions, but the deductible is a few hundred dollars, and it resets every August 1, so right now we're in the part of the year where I have to pay for stuff.

One of green_trilobite's psych meds is *very* expensive, and it brought the bill up to never-mind-what. While I was wondering how long it'd take me to get this new weight off my credit card, I got home and learned the bill for some electrical work we'd had done last week had come to about twice what green_trilobite had thought it would.

We agreed to cancel our dentist appointments next week.

Today I actually told him the amount I'd paid for the pills, and as I did so I thought, well, his doctor's appointment is a couple of weeks from now -- I should've held off and seen if we could get some of the expensive pills as samples, which he's been happy to do in the past. But now it's too late -- the pharmacist has confirmed I can't return the pills - or rather, I can, but legally he'd be required to just throw 'em out; so I doubt I could get the money back, and it would probably be immoral to ask for it back.

So the grievous part is that green_trilobite feels *he's* the one to blame for all this -- because he's on meds. I'm feeling rotten, and at the same time I have to be the human straitjacket to stop him from literally beating himself up over it. He wishes he were dead. He berates the meds, and our GP, and the pills that never really seem to make him any better.

I try to convince him it was my call: "Pretend I splurged on something stupid, but I'll pay it off. Pretend I just went out and bought myself a fur coat, or something."
"But you wouldn't do something like that."
"No, I do stupid things when I'm trying to be clever and responsible."

Then he said we should call off his birthday party on Saturday, because he doesn't deserve it.

"Yes you do, and you need it. I need it. Look, we agreed this is my birthday too, now. And I want a party. and I want you there."

And then five minutes later he's happily chatting on the phone with friends, like nothing happened; nothing to do with anything I said, mind you. I wish I could distract him from his woes effectively and reliably. The best I can do is go "hey look at that cute thing the cat is doing."

Comments

[leave-harmony.livejournal.com]

:(
Wish I could offer some kind of sound advice...no experience with meds / not being the depressive one. Is it a situation where the pills don't make him better, but do keep him from being worse? :(

[moon-custafer.livejournal.com]

They do take the edge off, but it's been so long since I've seen him unmedicated I think we sometimes both tend to forget that.

[donald hutton (from livejournal.com)]

I wish to comment in more detail but don't have the time right now (must be off to feed Dee's fluffy kitties before the busses shutdown) but a quick note to say that I think a better title is "In Which I Supply Awesome Levels Of Support To My Spouse".

[redeem147.livejournal.com]

Wish there was a 'like' button.

[kick-galvanic.livejournal.com]

I've been right there - where he is. My asthma meds are $$$ and our very $$$ medical premiums don't provide us pharm coverage....same with dental and when I saw that I had spent close to $7,500 on dental work last year I nearly fainted. I always feel badly about it - like I'm wasting money. I mean, I know, realistically that I'm not but I wish I was better about asking for samples....

*hugs*

[donald hutton (from livejournal.com)]

I am glad to see that you have been studying the works of MCA sensei of the Beastie Boys ryu and are willing to "Fight For Your Right To Party".

I assure you that to many a reader what you are doing is impossible to do at all - let alone do over an extended period of time. The feeling would be that no one could have the emotional reserves for such things as acting like a human straitjacket for extended periods of time: (cue spooky music) no one *human* that is. But you are no more a Daughter of Eve than I a Son of Adam: we are the Children of Logic, Duty and Honour and so do not falter in our pursuit of any path that these dictate to us. The Spirit of which the humans speak is not what we use to bring order out of chaos nor is its use necessary to us.

However, though we may have practically infinite reserves of Will yet may the Instrumentality which that Will operates on falter. I know from my 9 years of running Toronto's anti-cult efforts and fighting (other) gangsters and corrupt police that, without emotional replenishment the brain (and to some extent the body) just slowly stop responding.

Green Trilobite has these dramatic emotional episodes but (possibly because they serve a cathartic purpose in his mental ecology) he seems to just lose them in some hole in his memory or, I suspect, to Blue or Red Trilobite who were created for this purpose. This must be hard on you as you cannot share the sense of an obstacle overcome together: in some senses you seem to be doing this alone.

I think we can learn from our human cousins in such situations and apply a bit of what they call an "Id". Make yourself a focus of your efforts often enough to keep going for the long term. After all you, as an energetic, functioning person, are just as necessary for Green Trilobite's support as are any of your actions. For example, perhaps there is some service that OHIP covers that would bring some other caregiver into the situation. They wouldn't do the superb job that you do but they would surely do an adequate one. Think of them as a battery backup for use when the main generator has to be down for maintenance. If the main generator is never maintained it eventually blows up and, for the sake of a period of 100% efficiency you end up with 0% later on.

If you would also take a piece of advice from the other Court, I note that when something spins out of the control that we find so necessary and you get distressed you seem to default to an attitude that it is your fault. I myself tend to default to the attitude that it is the fault of some adversary: perhaps the Universe or perhaps that jerk over there. This is, of course, the essential difference between the Seelie and Unseelie Courts despite what some human propogandists might say about their concepts of "Good" and "Evil". However, I see no reason to be limited by our ancestory and I have found that neither default is, once you go back and think about it, necessarily true. It's 50-50 at best and there's more often a mix of the two.