I’m adequate, dammit

[moon_custafer]

Staying home from work today because someone needed to possibly come through our apartment to repair the balconies, and Andrew was thoroughly freaked out by this and convinced that it would all lead to the cats calling out the window to their deaths, and now it looks as though they’ll be able to do all the work from outside but he still needs me to stay home and calm him down. And it’s not like I’m that necessary to my workplace, either. I do a variety of odd jobs in an understaffed family-run business. So basically my life comes down to “keeping a drowning man’s head just above water.”

I’ve always worried that I’m not doing enough to justify my existence. I need to be needed. I suppose somewhere in the back of my mind is the conviction that someday I’m going to be asked what I’m good for, and if I can’t answer quickly and convincingly enough, I’ll be erased, or worse, punished in some horrible way for having dared to try and sneak into the universe without an excuse.

I’m trying to remind myself that (a) life doesn’t work that way, and (b) if I apply this to myself I have to apply it to others, so by thinking this way I’m implying that everybody who doesn’t have a Great Cause should go die in a fire. Which is obviously wrong.

So I’m trying to convince myself of my own right to exist, and that if my accomplishments for today are to take my pills (which I’d forgotten until about fifteen minutes ago, no doubt contributing to these thoughts), refrain from harming myself, keep Andrew from harming himself — well, that’s all part of the larger battle.

Aaand I just typed "whiny baby cry more you fucking bithch" in the tags and smacked myself in the head. Andrew flinched and asked my why and I couldn't explain. Calm down, pick yourself up and keep going. This does not end the day.

Comments

[handful-ofdust.livejournal.com]

What you do is really, really important to Andrew's well-being, but I agree that you also have to have stuff you do for yourself. You're not being whiny, and while the lack of drugs may have accelerated these thoughts, they're not in themselves invalid. If there's something I can do to help, please, just ask.

[moon-custafer.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I just get frustrated some days.

[barry-king.livejournal.com]

Yes, well. Let me scoff as you wonder what you're good for whilst you stay home to take care of Andrew. I hope I'm not the only person who sees the contradiction in that...

Trust me in this: You are worthwhile and your life is worthwhile. If a life doesn't look screwed up to the person who is living it, they're not paying attention. It's the people who don't see any problems that we have to worry about.